Shirt and Socks with Pants!
by acidhu3s
Summary: Are you ready for an epic adventure? A cool story? Something that's going to make you WEEP! Step right up, we have SHIRT AND SOCKS WITH PANTS! It all starts with a recently-kicked bucket, a head of lettuce, and... The sewers. Our protagonists have to do plot things and... Maybe they find love along the way..?
1. Chapter 1

Today was a very sad day because it was the day that Craig Cuttlefish kicked the bucket.

Marie's smirk was a little less smug. Callie sobbed to the tune of the Calamari Inkantation. Agent 4 dunked her head in the water fountain but did not die because it was empty. Agents 3 and 8 were committing _dastardly_ acts in the sewers.

It was very sad.

"My bucket!" Craig cried, clutching his foot. "My foot!"

"You are so old…" Marie comforted, eating a head of lettuce. If she had ranch, she would put some on it. But she did not. Her emergency ranch dressing was stolen in the war. "That bucket, too, was so old…"

"Uhuuhuhuhuh," Callie sobbed.

"That was my _wife,_" he yelled. "And I kicked her!"

"That… That was Grammy?" Marie asked. There is a certain tone to her voice. You know the one. "Oh, no!"

"Oh, yes!" someone countered. Someone who was _evil _and _mean _and _dastardly. _Someone who had eight tentacles. Someone whose name rhymed with Blocktavio.

That's right.

It was Pearl.

"Kjdhgkjshfkg!" Callie cried. Marie had to translate it.

"Why are you here, you sad garden gnome?"

Pearl WA SHA'd loudly.

"I could smell tears." She licked her lips. "Marina told me to find another source of tears. So here I am… Off the hook and ON THE HUNT!"

She then lunged at Callie like a rabid animal… But, like, an animal that won't be scary when rabid. Like, I dunno, a worm, or something. A rabid worm would probably be kinda funny… Or, at least, I think so.

Callie would have been able to dodge the rabid worm with ease if she was not crying so much. But she was crying a lot. Four looked up from the dry fountain and glared at Pearl. She looked like that one picture of the cat being held at knifepoint. You know the one.

Pearl stopped dead in her tracks. It was kind of impressive, given that she covered 5.3 meters in 0.7 seconds, solve for velocity. She clattered to the floor uselessly.

It actually wasn't Pearl! Or we hope it wasn't, because her head fell off and the insides were completely robotic.

"What!" said Marie.

"Huh?!" exclaimed Four.

"DISTRESSED SOBBING," cried Callie.

"My WIFE!" yelled Craig.

"Robot noise," beeped Pearl.

Marina came running out of a nearby bush. She was wearing a chicken suit. You know the one.

"Help!" Marina flailed her arms around wildly in distress. She looked comparable to an inflatable tube man. Everyone suddenly felt a strong urge to go buy a car. "An army of robot Pearls are going to destroy Earth!"

"Aw, buttnuggets," swore Four. Four's voice was stolen by an evil overlord for her crude language.

"I'm sorry, demonic overlord!" Marie yelled. "She meant 'aw, shit!'"

Four felt an unseeable force nod at her.

_DON'T SWEAR AGAIN, _it told her.

She also didn't get her voice back. Four did, however, promise it that she would no longer use such foul words such as 'buttnuggets' and 'flurmf' anymore.

"There's an army of Pearls?!" Craig yelled in a brief moment of coherency. "Why, you've gotta be squiddin' me?!"

He immediately forgot about his dying bucket of a wife. It was okay, though. Martha had been dead for zero years. Martha is also not a bucket.

Craig struck a pose. It was the kind of pose that would be accompanied with anime music. You know the one.

"Yes!" Marina exclaimed, still flailing like a tube man. Callie bought a Squonda Squivic, not sponsored. "We have to stop them!"

"I know just the people!" He struck another pose. Marina took out her sp3 player (squid-p-3 player) and played an obvious rip-off of the Calamari Inkantation. It made Craig spontaneously grow a skirt. He was so beautiful now. "Agents 3 and 8!"  
"Gasp!" Marina gasped.

"Beep!" the Pearlbot beeped.

"Sob!" Callie sobbed.

"Lettuce eating noise," crunched Marie.

(DEAFENING SILENCE,) is what Four didn't say.

"That is a wonderful idea!" Marina said in a Marina-ish fashion. "We can even get Four's voice back!"

"SQUIDBEAK LET'S GO… TO THE SEWERS!" Craig yelled. "Or… Squid and Octobeak?"

"There's only one Octarian here," Marina mumbled. "And I'm not an agent… I'm more of a plus one."

"Hm…" Craig put his hand on his chin in thought. "That makes sense."

"Can we find them now?" Marie asked, now done with her entire head of lettuce. "I have lettuce in the oven at home. I don't want to burn it. Come on, Callie."

Marie led them to the sewers.


	2. Chapter 2

Four was not very excited to enter the sewers.

For one, they were the sewers, aka super nasty. There was no telling what was in them! Besides, like, nasty stuff… But that's par for the course.

It was also where Agents 3 and 8 frequently frequented. And… Who knows what goes on between two consenting adults?! Four doesn't know. And Four doesn't want to find out.

But Four will.

The sewers are dark and gross… Because they're sewers. They don't smell good. I will let you decide what they smell like, as long as it is gross.

"Threeeeee!" Marie calls, trying to find the nastier agent.

"Eight!" Marina also calls, trying to find her unofficial daughter.

Four began to hear Noises in the sewers. Noises that do not normally come from sewers… A shiver shot down her nonexistent spine. I cannot disclose what kind of noises that they are beyond that.

"I found them!" Callie said suddenly. She stopped crying a little bit after she bought her Squonda Squivic. The Squonda Squivic's horn beeped. It was a different beep than the beep that came from the Pearlbot. It was a car's beep. The car was also empty, but it followed behind them as if it had a mind of its own. No one questioned it. They all knew better than to question a Squonda.

If Four's voice worked, she would have yelled at Callie to ask if they were decent first… But it didn't. So she just kind of sat there awkwardly while Callie's foot slammed into an out-of-place wooden door. She was wearing boots, so the door flew off the hinge and into the wall behind it.

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST," Four heard someone yell.

"Am I dying?" asked someone else.

Callie marched into the room. Marie followed her. Craig disappeared a while ago. And Marina flailed after the two idols. The car was too big to fit in the doorframe, so it waited outside. What a nice car.

Four slowly walked in.

There she saw Agents 3 and 8… They were close. _Dangerously _close. _**Dastardly **_close. Four let out a silent gasp.

"You were playing chess?!" Callie cried. "How _could _you!?"

"I'm sorry, Callie…" Three said in an anime protagonist voice. You know the one. "I… I didn't want you to know…"

Callie began to cry again. Everyone immediately tuned her out.

"Eight, did… How long did you know about this?" Marina asked. She sounded sad.

"Since… Since day one, Marina…" she whispered, wiping away a tear. It was beautiful… Too bad they were in a sewer. "I… I'm sorry…"

Marina wept. Her tears danced around like inflatable tube men.

"We… We can work through this…" Marie inhaled sharply. "Maybe… Another time?"

Three nodded.

"Why, um…" She cleared her throat. "Why did you come here?"

"An army of Pearl robots (Pearlbots) are going to take over the world," Marina explained. "And you are the only ones who can stop them."

"Why?" And no one was expecting that question.

"It's your job?" Marie snarked snarkily. She fished another head of lettuce from her multidimensional pocket and took a bite of it. She then threw it at the wall because it was actually a cabbage.

"Why doesn't Four do it?"

Four stares into Three's eyes. Three stares back. Four sighs silently and then looks over at Marie.

"Her voice was stolen by a demon."

Three violently threw the chess board at the wall and grabbed her Hero Shot.

"Well, shit, why didn't you start with that?" She was already out the door by the time anyone could comprehend what she just said.

"Three…" Eight whispered, holding out an open hand towards the door. She then dropped it to her sides and slipped a chess piece into her non-multidimensional pocket when she thought no one was looking. "One day, we'll finish our game…"

Callie's car beeped loudly from the hallway.

"Why is it beeping?" Eight asked.

"There's a swarm of Pearlbots coming!" Marina yelled. "Hurry!"

They started running. Craig came back.

"Squidding squids!" he swore. Four tried to warn him, but it was too late. His voice was also stolen.

"God dammit!" Three exclaimed, kicking the wall in frustration. It dented. "This means war!"

"But… But Three…" Marie started, voice wavering, "You know what happened in the last war… Didn't you?"

Three took a deep breath. "... Yes… I'll never forget the bottle of Squidden Valley ranch… That they stole." A tear rolled down her cheek.

Four was only now just starting to realize how weird this was… But she didn't say anything. Maybe it had to do with the fact that a demon stole her voice.

"We… We can get it back..?" Callie suggested quietly.

Everyone gasped. No one ever heard that before!

"Callie, you're a genius!" said everyone.

Callie liked this praise so much that she was never seen again. Because life is like that. She wasn't seen again. That girl, there? The inkling, the one that looks like Callie? That's not her, got it?

**That's not her.**

Now with multiple motives to go out on an adventure with tons of room for romance and lettuce-eating and (chess), our heroes set off on an adventure! They are excited for adventure… Or are they?!

Find out next time on… SHIRT AND SOCKS WITH PANTS!


	3. Chapter 3

Callie reappeared.

"Callie!" Eight cried, worried. "You came back!"

"Yes! I _did _do that!"

"Where did you go?"

Callie furrowed her brow. Where _did _she go?

"The Outer Realm," she replied after a bit. "I can't think about it too much… It makes my head spin."

Eight nodded solemnly. "I think I go there too sometimes." She paused. "Although it usually happens after I eat too much glue."

Callie squealed.

"You eat glue too?"

"YEAH!" They partied for a bit. In fact, they partied like it was 1999. No glue was consumed. No illegal substances were consumed. Rumor has it that there was a cabbage, though, and the legends say they almost played chess, but they stopped because Eight "was saving it for someone special."

"Soo…" Eight started after some intense boogie-woogie-ing. "Where are we?"

"Hm," Callie hm'd, "I don't know."

It was most certainly not the sewers. The sewers were smelly and gross and had people in them. The new place didn't smell like much, but the floor was reflective and there was a lone disco ball. In the distance, they heard sirens. The mermaid kind. They were singing a jingle of no discernible origin but it did make you want to purchase auto insurance, which Callie did.

"Oh my cod," Callie breathed. "My Squonda."

Eight panicked. Callie panicked. The sirens kept on singing.

Then, suddenly, the Squonda broke through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man, but instead of a "YEAAAAAAH" it was one long beep.

"My child!" Callie cried.

"Beep!" the Squonda beeped.

They had a touching reunion. Eight took photos and everything.

"So now what?" Eight asked. A swarm of sirens started to fix the wall but once sneaked away and gave Eight her phone number. Eight didn't know how to tell her she didn't have service in the Room of Unknown Location.

"Now… We go back to Marie!" Callie struck a pose. Upon seeing it, the sirens sang a poor rendition of Toxic by Britney Spears. It was pretty sexy.

"... How do we do that?" Unfortunately, Callie was a dumbass, so she didn't think that far ahead.

"... I thought you would know." Eight was also a dumbass, so she did not. Callie sighed and flopped onto the ground dramatically. It was squishy, so she bounced around a bit after hitting it. "Hm… Well, we could just stay here?"

"Oooor we could look for an exit?"

"That's a great idea!"

They looked for an exit. It took them a week to find it, but there was a large door at the end of the room labelled "EXIT." They went through it.

But they weren't in the sewers...

"This isn't the sewers!" Callie exclaimed. The Squonda beeped in agreement and then dematerialized. Callie mourned briefly.

"It isn't!" Eight swiped her finger across the ground and licked it. It tasted like a substance. You know the one. "Why, dare I say it, we're…" She looked around wildly and saw a pigeon. "We're in Inkopolis Plaza!"

"What the squid butts!" Callie exclaimed. "Why are we here!"

"I don't know!" Eight looked around. There sure was a lot of things happening. Squids and kids and squid-kids wandered about. They all had very boring and basic haircuts. One said someone about damage up and the other squid died of fright. "Excuse me?" she asked the squid who just killed the other one. "What year is it?"

"Yo, yo, yo," the squid yo'd, "It's 2015, yo." But I couldn't remember any memes from 2015 so the squid did not say any. Wait, is Harambe applicable? Is Harambe 2016? Time is fake, I've decided. The squid then died of dysentery.

"Why are we in 2015?" Eight asked, looking at Callie for help.

"Hm. I wish I knew!" Callie looked over a glass pane. The pane was a window and she could see through it, and she saw Marie… But not herself. "Hm."

Marie made eye contact with Callie, but not eye _contact_, you feel? She then said something to one of the producers and then she left the building.

"Callie?" she said, confused. "Why are you here?" She then looked over at Eight and gasped audibly. "And why is _it _here?"

"Um." Callie made eye contact with Eight and came up with the worst possible lie she could have made. "This is Eight and we're, um, dating. So. Yeah."

"What." Marie looked at Callie and then looked at Eight and then back at Callie again. "The fuck."

"Um, yep!" Eight finally spoke. Her voice squeaked a little bit. "We've, um, been together for, uhhhhhhhh, a month now, so, yeah, um, hi, Marie, I've heard a lot about you."

"Callie, I thought you were straight?" Callie sucked in a breath. She was actually what the kids call a massive lesbian. Callie was just very closeted at age seventeen, but she told her family after the second Zapfish incident.

"Yeaaah, about that…" She cleared her throat. "I'm gay."

Marie blinked. "Okay, cool. Whatever. But, I- Why an… Why an _octoling, _of all things?"

"We, uhhhhh, met, on a patrol, or something, or, yeah, anyways, why don't you ditch the news thing and we go meet Gramps and then we go get the fish back?"

Marie narrowed her eyes. "The Great Zapfish isn't _gone, _Callie-" And then the fish suddenly disappeared and she screeched with rage. "I swear to _fish, _if your _girlfriend _stole the Zapfish."

Eight bit her lip. Now four years ago, or right now, or something, she was one of the octolings that helped steal the Zapfish… But not anymore. She… She could right her wrongs, couldn't she? Now that she was… Back in time.

As she followed the two cousins, she sighed quietly.

Man, this was turning into such a clusterfuck.

* * *

**fun fact: this wasnt supposed to be continued. now its a callie/8 time travel fake dating au?**


	4. Chapter 4

Craig's reaction was more-or-less Marie's reaction.

"WHAT?" he yelled upon seeing Eight. "Callie, that's a rootin'-tootin' OCTOLING!"

"Yep," Callie replied. "Thaaaat she is."

"_Why _an _octoling _of all things?" He gestured wildly. Eight felt very awkward. "Do you realize we are in a _war?"_

"She, uh." Callie looked over at Eight and very briefly checked her out. "She has a nice ass."

Eight felt a slight urge to deck her not-girlfriend.

"Callie… There are inklings with nice asses," Marie commented. "You know that, right?"

Callie nodded with enthusiasm. "Yep!"

"So _why _did you choose _her?"_

"Uhhhhhh." Eight gave Callie a Look. It was a Look that told her to choose her words carefully because Eight was very close to kicking her beak in. "She, uh. I. Felt a connection."

"You felt a _connection." _Marie was not amused. Craig was currently dying of not-cardiac arrest and he wasn't very happy. "Callie."

"Yeees?"

"You are a fucking _moron."_

"... I can't argue with that."

"I'm going to go recruit an agent," Craig said with a heavy sigh. "Marie, you watch _it."_

"Got it, Gramps." As he disappeared through a grate, Marie sighed heavily as well. "So… How did you know the Zapfish was going to go missing?"

"Uhhhhh…" Callie looked over at Eight for help.

"I heard about it before I left. I was supposed to be a part of Project Blackout, but I didn't stick around for it." Eight took a seat on the ground. It was dirt and it kind of sucked. "I told Callie about it not too long ago."

"Callie, you didn't tell us this because..?"

"Uhhhhhhh I, uh. Didn't want you to know about Eight."

Marie blinked. "Her name is _Eight?"_

"Not legally? Or, not my real name? I, um, have amnesia, sort of, so I totally forgot most things, anyways, I promise I'm not going to hurt you, because I would hate to hurt my, uh, _lover's _family."

Eight looked over at Callie.

She didn't look the same as she did before, or, like, four years in the future?, time is weird. No, she looked like the young Callie from four years ago, or like right now, a Callie that loved to turf and loved her job on the news, not the Callie that was constantly drowning in brand deals and movie scripts. A Callie that wasn't ever brainwashed, a Callie that didn't call her on the phone at odd hours in the night in tears when she remembered the aching, burning brand on her side.

A Callie that was happier.

Eight felt different as well. Shorter, for one, and her fingertips hadn't stained bright fuchsia because she wasn't quite matured yet. Her back wasn't sore at all. It was a freedom she never knew could exist for her. From what she could see, small marks and scars dotted her limbs, scars that faded over the years and scars that were covered in new ones from her line of work.

It was strange. She was sixteen again.

"Eight?" Callie asked quietly, taking a seat beside her and resting a hand on her shoulder. "Are you okay? You're crying."

"Oh," she mumbled, wiping away a tear she never knew fell. "Sorry."

"Don't be." Eight traced small marks into the dirt. "You of all people shouldn't have to apologize."

Through teary eyes, Eight looked up at Marie. While still looking defensive, she looked a bit confused, although she still seemed to have reached some kind of conclusion. Marie took a seat on the nearby couch, staying silent.

By the time Craig came back, Eight had stopped crying, although Callie had an arm wrapped around her waist and she had pulled her closer. They were all very quiet.

"So," he said, breaking the silence. "I have recruited a new agent."

He stepped to the side. Behind him was a fairly short orange-inked inkling with bright orange eyes. She beamed brightly and waved.

"This is Agent 3. Agents 1 and 2, I expect you to treat her nicely, now."

"Hi, Three," Marie greeted. "It's nice to meet you. Call me Two."

"Hey!" Callie waved back, but spoke softly. "I'm Agent 1."

"... Aren't you the Squid Sisters?" It wasn't a question they could easily deflect. They were both in their everyday wear, that being their two stupid dresses (or dress and romper) that they always wore. "Why are you here?"

"We're agents," Marie replied plainly. Three sputtered wildly. "Don't question it."

She didn't.

"And, um, who's that..?" she asked, pointing at Eight. Eight tensed a little.

"That's, uh… Eight." Marie eyed her. "She's apparently Callie's girlfriend."

"I _knew _she was gay," Three whispered, but mostly to herself. "Why're her tentacles like that?"

"She's a squiddin' Octarian!" Craig yelled. Three gasped.

"Isn't that the enemy?"

"Yes!"

Callie wished she could have said Eight heard the Inkantation, but it hadn't been performed yet.

"Look," she snapped. "Let Eight go with Three on whatever retrievals you do today, and if she ends up being evil or whatever, kill her."

"What?" said, like, everyone.

"What if she kills me?" Three cried.

"What if she kills Three?" Craig and Marie yelled.

"She won't." Callie pulled Eight tighter. "I know she won't." Eight felt her face warm slightly.

"... Fine." Craig sighed. "But if she turns, she's dying in an instant."

"I, um," Eight finally said. "I won't let you down."

"No," Three said, furrowing her brow. "You won't."

She wouldn't.


End file.
